Life goes on..

I really don't have much new to say today, just wanted to check for those of you who pop in. I'm back to work after the funeral. It's a good thing the walls around my desk are so high so people can't see me cry. I knew this would be hard, but no idea just how hard.

Things that get me thru the day.....

When I was young I heard a school counselor tell a group of us, "If you stood in a circle with everyone you know, you all put your troubles in the middle, everyone would take back their own." The older I get the more I believe that statement.

A woman at work told me the other day that based on all that has happened in the last 2 years, she doesn't know how I am able to get up and face the day, let alone come to work and be productive. So I thought this would be a good time and place to reflect and share what keeps me going...

Fist, my mom Nancy. She was incredible and my greatest source of strength and inspiration. She taught me by example how to think positive and to press on through adversity without feeling sorry for myself. Losing her before I could appreciate her as a friend was the greatest loss of my life.





Second, Bobby my DH and best friend. He has loved and stood by me through thick and thin. We lack any day to day support from our families so we have learned to lean on each other.

Third, my best friend Carla (sorry no photo available). She helps mostly by giving me either a hug or huge kick in the a_ _ based on what she thinks will help me the most at the moment. When my dad was dying and my sister was on my nerves, she drove an hour in the middle of the night to come be by my side.

Fourth, DH's daughter Kelly. I hate the word step, so from the beginning I have referred to DH and Kelly as my "package deal". DH and I have been together since she was 3. DH, Kelly's mom and I raised her together. Now 22, she has turned out to be a wonderful young lady.



Finally there is the menagerie that live with DH and I. DH and I never had any human children together, but we have raised many of the "fur" kind.
Kitties:
Salmon, Yoda, Sir William MacGreggor and Matilda.


Lastly, Heather the Australian Cattle Dog. Heather belonged to DH's best friend Ardis. When Ardis died last year we inherited Heather. For many months we debated if we were the best place for her. She stayed and we both agree it was the best decision for all of us.

Combined these influences give me strength, support, love and distraction enough to press on. It is amazing how a person has to put aside his/her own pain, discomfort, sadness or whatever may be weighing on their heart and mind when someone else needs their love and attention.

Getting up, going to work, caring for DH, the house and the fur children has never felt like a choice. It is simply living my life.

Who couldn't use a positive distraction???

My Emoticons for today (notice the prevalence of purple!!) reflect a slightly different mood than the posts since my dad's passing. While never a HUGE baseball fan, it is hard not to catch the Colorado Rockies fever that has engulfed my hometown.
Much to the chagrin of our Aussie DH and I could hear the pennant clinching celebratory fireworks at Coors Field all the from our home 10 miles away.

GO ROCKIES!!!

Trying To Move On

In my entire life, I have never been so tired. My father's wife of 7 years, Alberta, my older sisters and I buried him last Wednesday, October 10th. His sons were unable to attend. The only good thing about ending this process, is that I won't have to do this again. I can only pray that I won't be the next widow in my family.

I lost my mom to MS in 1998. I felt closer to her and as bad as it sounds, loved her more than my dad, but I am taking this loss much harder.

Even though I have long been an adult, I am finding it hard to be an "orphan". I realize this term is usually associated with children, but I cannot find a better word that describes how I feel today.

The family of my husband of 17 years has embraced me, so I am hardly alone.

My father has one surviving sister and five surviving brothers, not to mention aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. My extended family is anything but small. We will go on for generations. Due to my parent's cross country move when I was young, I don't know any of these people.

A loss like this always changes a person's perspective about life. I have realized that my brothers, sisters and I are the oldest of our limb of our family tree. It is a sobering thought. I held in the back of my mind that there was always going to be someone older and wiser than myself. While there are many people in my life that are older and wiser than me, they are not my family. In addition to learning live without my dad, I am going to have to find my new place in the world.

Goodbye Dad

I lost my Dad, Charles (Chuck to me and Charlie to his mom) Halle yesterday, October 6, 2007. Even though he was 80 years old, I felt like we would have had more time. His oldest brother is in his 90s and still doing okay. In addition to myself he left Alberta "Bert" (his wife of 7 years), my two sisters and 2 brothers. I am going today with Bert and my oldest sister to make arrangements. This is like de ja vu (sp?) as I lost my mom in 1998. It seems strange to be the oldest generation of my branch of the family tree.

While we had our troubles, like most dads and youngest daughters, still I will miss him. The last few weeks he called me every Sunday. He wanted to know how the recovery from my surgery was going.

Prayers for my family are always welcome.

Back to Work - sort of

So I'm trying to get up to working full time. The problem is, every time I think I can do it I take 2 steps forward and 1 or 2 steps back. Last week I worked almost a full day everyday, then yesterday I started having the feeling like the creature from Alien had attached itself to the back of my head, accompanied by a nest of ants and a painless, but annoying "throbbing" I have never felt before. Okay, I expected to not "feel" the same. I learned that from the implants from last year's fusion. But this is just strange. I'm afraid to drive (main reason I have not left the house since Saturday.)

My co-workers have been understanding up until now, but I think their patience is wearing thin. I look good, my hair has grown back, I have more stamina, but days like today make me feel like a malingerer. I have read so many helpful things from people who have been through the same thing. They all say "listen to you body". I am still learning to do so.

The very good news is that the "mental stuff" feels so much better. Before the surgery, putting more than 3 or 4 coherent sentences together was a struggle. I can now actually pay attention to an entire conversation.